i’ve been dealing with really bad anxiety these past two months up until monday when i finally had a full blown anxiety attack on the way home on the subway. it was my actual first attack since the trigger all of this, but it felt as dreadful as i anticipated. can you imagine all your walls crumbling down, unable to stop yourself from having all these thoughts of hopelessness despite knowing how irrational all these ideas are? all those negative thoughts you suppress suddenly become the only thing you can think about, and that sinking feeling in your stomach attacks you with every breath you take. it feels like death, like it physically feels like death. this was as bad if not worse than the first time.
and then all of a sudden, i’m able to recompose myself. my body stops shaking and my breathing slows down, and it feels like i finally have control over my own body. i felt really cathartic after this, ironically. kind of like a new appreciation for life and what i have. i don’t feel like it’ll happen again, though i cant help stop those thoughts from spilling into my head. i feel like i’m entering a part of my life where i’m struggling with my own mind rather than anything external. my biggest fear right now is becoming crazy.